Saturday, 28 November 2009

Canada: why it ain't a US state, part 957

We Canucks are so special we even have our very own breed of horse, not surprisingly called "The Canadian" or more aptly "Le Canadien" as it has French roots.

Seems the French settlers hadn't bargained for the fact that getting around Canada was somewhat more complex and time-consuming than a stroll on La Rive Gauche, so sent word to King Louis XIV (this was the 17th century, you understand) that some help with transport was required.

I quote now from an article I wrote a few years ago: (leader dots are where I've edited out boring bits)

"... and in June 1647, the first shipment was unloaded on Canadian soil. They came directly from the King’s own stables, and the finest was presented to the Governor. Rumour has it that soon afterwards this particular horse became a slap-up dinner for some local Indians who thought it was a moose. However others were not so unlucky, despite being a previously unseen rarity – we can assume the Spanish horses had not yet strayed that far north.

No-one knows for certain how the original horses imported into Canada had been bred, although looking at 17th century France itself leads us to some reasonable, educated guesses. There, the solid, weight-carrying brickwork of earlier warhorses was no longer needed and the trend of the time was to cross those types, usually Norman and Breton breeds, with Arabs and Barbs to create a lighter, smaller horse that offered greater speed while retaining substance and strength.

Over the next 20 years or so three further shipments of horses were despatched from France, although many didn’t survive what in those days must have been a terrible journey ... up to 5 weeks. ...The horses already in Canada were bred quite extensively, evolving over time to cope with the harsh Canadian climate, and were used for all kinds of activities from ploughing farms and hauling logs to pulling carriages and working under saddle."


(Moi with a Canadien friend in Québec, 2008
---->)


The poor old Canadien certainly earned its keep all over North America, especially in the 19th century:

"Numerous Canadian Horses were exported to the USA and experts over there say that they contributed to the early bloodlines of Morgans, Tennessee Walking Horses, Standardbreds, and Saddlebreds. Many of these horses also went to the military forces to fight in a variety of conflicts including the American Civil War, and as the 19th century wore on numbers of Canadian Horses were dwindling fast."

After nearly vanishing altogether Le Canadien has been preserved and its numbers in Canada now run into thousands. Possibly to make the breed attractive as a riding horse for our rapidly enlarging citizens, Canadiens now can be anything up to 17hh (if you're not into horses, that's pretty big, OK?) and have enough strength to power a good chunk of the National Grid.

One time I was invited to have a ride on a beautiful 16.2hh stallion called Charbon who I met while he was chained up in the cross ties, stamping all four feet and blowing flames out of his nostrils. I chickened out as my days of asking hormonal stallions to go nicely are well over, but click on the link and have a look at him. He's gorgeous.

One day when I'm rich and famous I will import a Canadien or two to Britland as of course no-one in the UK has heard of them. They not pushovers by any means and take some riding, but at least they're sturdy enough to carry me.

And they're Canadian. 'Nuff said.

Friday, 27 November 2009

Canada: why it ain't a US state, part 956

Warning to tourists

Should you venture by car across the Ontario or Newfoundland-Labrador border into the Canadian province of Québec one of these days, as of course you might well, be warned that les Québecois have a couple of other pecularities besides speaking French in an otherwise English-speaking country, e.g.:

Traffic lights at road junctions which ordinarily you might expect to be arranged as follows:

















...in fact are arranged as follows:























And in case you think we Ontarians are inappropriately smug and up ourselves, never forget that we were the perpetrators of what, erstwhile, was known as "the biggest free-standing erection in North America," the CN Tower.


Er, until someone pointed out that this was a) bragging and b) unsuitable for a family audience. Said gigantic willie-substitute is seen here viewed from the rapidly-closing roof of the Rogers Centre in downtown Toronto as torrential rain threatened to disrupt our baseball game.

(It didn't, and the Toronto Blue Jays won.)

Thursday, 26 November 2009

Dogs: have you heard of these breeds?

Although first crosses are sometimes referred to as mongrels, this is erroneous. In fact these dogs have been developed into new and interesting breeds in their own right. For example:

Pointer/Setter
Pointsetter - a breed often bought from garden centres at Christmas time

Kerry Blue Terrier/Skye Terrier
Blue Sky - a breed well suited to optimists

Great Pyrenean Mountain Dog/Dachshund
Pyradachs - a somewhat puzzling dog

Pekingese/Lhasa Apso
Peekasso - an artistic dog with an abstract personality

Collie/Lhasa Apso
Collapso – useful dog for folding up into very small cars






Dachshund/Rottweiler
(this is a real one - yes, honestly. I couldn't believe it either.)
...Hundweiler - the domesticated HumVee of the dog world








Newfoundland/Basset Hound
Newfound Asset Hound - a superb sniffer dog for merchant bankers and business angels

Poodle/Irish Water Spaniel
Puddle - a difficult breed to house train

Terrier/Bulldog
Terribull - a breed prone to minor disasters

Terrier/Rough Collie
Toughie - a hardy dog that’s afraid of nothing

Sheltie/Pug
Shrug - a laid back breed with very calm temperament

Saluki/Dalmatian
Salvation - a useful dog for mountain rescue purposes






Springer Spaniel/Jack Russell Terrier
(also a real one)
Sprussell - term also can be used as a contraction for a brussels sprout










Borzoi/Sheltie
Bolshoi – a talented Russian breed with elegant, graceful action

Chow Chow/Manchester Terrier
Chowmane – a rare Oriental breed popular with Chinese restaurateurs

Cocker Spaniel/Rottweiler
Cockrotts – often chosen as pets by straying husbands

Bulldog and Shih Tzu
Bullshitz – a dog that looks more impressive and sounds more fierce than it really is

Husky/Lakeland Terrier
Hulky – a breed which, despite the name, does not grow larger and turn green when provoked

Puli/Pit Bull Terrier
Pul Pit – a worthy breed favoured by members of the Clergy

Braque/Collie
Brollie – a dog that loves to be outdoors in all weathers


(Excerpted from Canine Capers: over 350 jokes to make your tail wag.)

Wednesday, 25 November 2009

An author's lot just ain't fair, innit...

As the Festive Season lurches towards us, once again I check up on my book sales rankings and have a rant about how unfair the weeks of work-to-sales ratios are.

By far my best seller ever (5 reprints since 2002, consistently in Amazon Top 10 books both on horses and jokes) is The Horse Lover's Joke Book, which took me about 8 weeks to write.






Next is The Country Lover's Joke Book, which also took about 8 weeks.










Third is Canine Capers (a joke book about dogs and their owners) - 8 weeks, ish.







I won't bore you with the ratings of all the middle diddlers, but Powerwriting: the hidden skills you need to transform your business writing took me nearly a year to write. And its sales are tiddly.

I think there's a moral here and it goes something like this ... forget trying to teach people how to do their jobs better and just make 'em laugh instead.

Oh, yes, and put some jolly colour on the covers.

Tuesday, 24 November 2009

Uses for our new dog...

Hello and welcome back. Have been a trifle busy with this and that and some cancer treatments, plus the arrival of a young Gordon Setter named LaWoof, so-called because she was born and bred in France and initially went to live with a British family there.

She has become incredibly useful, starting with her ability to make cushions out of our other dogs...

Next, she has become adept at space-saving techniques, rather as in the case of nests of tables...

















And furthermore, she makes a very handy, if rather heavy hot water bottle to soothe my aching abdomen after my treatments.

















However I must point out that our house, and above all my desk work, most definitely are not ruled by our animals.

Wednesday, 8 April 2009

Meat for sex? Vegetarians, look away now...

Just when we are hoping that our mammal friends have far more eco-friendly lifestyles, we discover that this group ... albeit closer to us in DNA terms than most other mammalian species ... is openly thumbing its nose at veggies in favour of meat-for-sex.

Well, can you blame them? Thousands wouldn't.... click here for da gory details...

Wednesday, 1 April 2009

Want to see the real phallusy?

Yes, of course - you knew it all along, didn't you. It's a baby giant panda. Lots of good karma (sorry, can't afford champagne) to Cathy who guessed correctly...



Thanks to BearsOfTheWorld.net for the loan of the photo. Read all about pandas and other bears on that site - it's well worth a look.

Monday, 30 March 2009

This really is a phallusy

Care to hazard a guess what this is? I will send lots of good karma to the winner ... get writing those comments now!

Saturday, 28 March 2009

Pigs share party food in police parking lot festivities

.....



With sincere apologies to Margate (UK) Police. Read all about it here.)

Wednesday, 25 March 2009

Bother-A-Banker actions could help clean up our environment

Tut, tut to the naughty folks ransacking the home of former Royal Bank of Scotland head honcho Sir Fred Goodwin, alleged to be a group called "Bank Bosses Are Criminals."

It seems they represent people who have become a little warm under the collar over recent alleged vast self-congratulatory sums disappearing into the pockets of bank wallahs, whom the BBAC feel are undeserving of such rich rewards.

However I think we should use this opportunity to clean up our streets and deposit the result in appropriate places. So I am pleased to announce my own initiative which is simple yet subtle and would avoid all these nasty criminal proceedings (well, most of them, anyway.)

The answer? Simply clean up a quantity of doggy-doo from your street, garden or grass verge (see illustration,) wrap it in newspaper, and place parcel on doorstep of appropriate bank official. Then set fire to the newspaper, ring the doorbell and run like hell.

Aforementioned banker answers and opens door, sees flames, stamps them out with his foot.

Oh, it's easy when you know how.

(With thanks to whoever went to the extraordinary lengths to photograph dog sh*t at such close quarters.)

Tuesday, 24 March 2009

Parents hit roof over 60 foot willy

Seems a certain young man would do well to prolong his student backpacking travels until his parents calm down about this. Not only did they hit the roof on its discovery but also said young man will be hitting the roof with a scrubbing brush immediately upon his return.

60 foot penis? Now, now, you mustn't think dirty, Mum and Dad. Sonny-boy meant it to be a very long artillery cannon with very short wheels. Didn't he.

Sunday, 22 March 2009

Toilets, crotches, facelifts and other idle gossip

It’s been a busy day’s media observation here on The Suze Report, so with no further ado...


No sh*t, Sherlock

Management of the Clorox Company in San Francisco are appalled about a scatological arsonist who allegedly has cost them fifty-thousand bucks or more by torching portable conveniences on construction sites around this delightful American city – and the company is now seeking to have the offender apprehended, no matter what.

The reward on offer for information leading to the arrest and conviction of the perps?

A year’s supply of toilet cleaning products.

Please, before pandemonium breaks out can we form an orderly line-up to offer solutions to this dastardly crime?

More on this story here.


New Jersey fails in bid to promote hairy crotches

In its concern for its citizens’ epidermal/genital health, The Cosmetology and Hairstyling Board of US state New Jersey has called for Brazilian bikini waxes to be banned as allegedly these are harmful to health. This is as a result of two lady shavees having been hospitalized due to allegedly resultant infections.


Happily for local beauty parlours and other shavers of the nether regions, the State of New Jersey has not supported the initiative and would appear to be letting local Brazilian punters take their own chances. To quote one spa owner in the state ... “stay out of our pants.”

See the full Monty here.


Cosmetic surgeons finally make Bride of Wildenstein look normal

Having been shocked at the results of her earlier plastic surgery I was delighted to see that her face is now, finally, being restored to its former glory.


It just goes to show how a few bits of Meccano and some serious creative thinking can turn a monster into, well, another .....


Toodle pip.

Friday, 13 March 2009

It's enough to drive you nutz...

I've seen it all now.

These have to be the ultimate gifts for the man who has everything ... apart from a couple of small things....

Thursday, 12 March 2009

British fire crews not amused by sawn-off pony

As if we weren't stressed enough with the cost of this and that right now, fire crews in Hampshire, England are whining about the cost of endless trips to "save" a small pony. Passers-by assume she is disappearing in deep doo-doo when in fact her only problem is short legs.

According to the BBC News website (along with several other British news sources) Mayflower the mini-mare appears to be a Shetland/New Forest pony cross which probably accounts for the rather strange cocktail emerging from her gene pool.

"These calls from the public are with good intent. When viewed at long range, this pony looks like it is trapped, particularly if it is standing still next to its mates which are twice its height," continues the BBC story.

Apparently Mayflower is perfectly healthy and gobsmacks well-intentioned members of the public when despite appearing to be up to her nether regions in quicksand, she gallops off contentedly.

Reminds me of the following story from (plug, plug) one of my books, namely Canine Capers ...

****************************************

At the height of the arms race some years ago, the Americans and Russians realised that, if they continued, before long they would finish up by destroying the world. So they discussed the issue at a top secret summit meeting and decided to settle the whole argument with a dogfight.

The negotiators agreed that each country would take five years to develop the best fighting dog they could. The winning dog would earn its country the right to rule the world. The losing country would have to lay down its arms.

The Russians found the biggest, fiercest Dobermans and Rottweilers in all of the Soviet Union. They cross-bred them and then crossed their offspring with the fiercest Siberian wolves. They selected only the biggest, strongest puppy from the final litter, removed all the other puppies and left the lone dog to grow strong and large. They used steroids and rigorous training in aggression and ruthless killing power. Finally when the five years were up, they had a dog that oozed murder from every pore and had to be restrained in cage made from steel girders. Only the trainers could handle this beast, and even they had to exercise extreme caution.

When the day of the final fight dawned, the Americans arrived with a bizarre animal. It was a nine-foot-long Basset Hound. The Russians pitied the Americans. None of them thought this weird dog stood a chance against the growling monster in the Russian cage. Bookies around the world lay very short odds on the Russians winning in a matter of seconds.

The cages were opened and the dogs released. The Basset Hound waddled towards the middle of the ring. The Russian dog leapt from his cage and charged the giant sausage-dog.

The moment the two dogs met, the Basset Hound opened its jaws and consumed the Russian monster in one mouthful. There was nothing left but a few tufts of fur from the Russian dog's tail.

The Russians walked over to the Americans, blinking their eyes in disbelief. "We cannot comprehend. Our foremost scientists and trainers laboured for five years with the strongest, fiercest Dobermans, Rottweilers and Siberian wolves. They created a killing machine."

"You don’t say," the Americans replied. "Well, we got our foremost cosmetic surgeons labouring for five years to make a crocodile look like a Basset Hound."

****************************************

(Thanks to the copyright owners for the loan of the photos ... you know the deal: I don't earn from this, so you don't either, but let me give you a credit if I can! The pic of Mayflower the pony appears to be accredited to the PA, but that of the Basset Hound is unclear.

How to cure recession depression

Many thanks to my good friend Laurence H. from London, England, who is managing to keep himself cheerful during our hard financial times with such anecdotes as:

* What's the capital of Iceland ? - About £3.50

* How do you define optimism? A banker who irons five shirts on a Sunday

* Why have (real) estate agents stopped looking out of the window in the morning? Because otherwise they'd have nothing to do in the afternoon

*What's the difference between an investment banker and a large pizza? The pizza can still feed a family of four.

*As a surprise, a chief exec's wife pops by his office. She finds him in an unorthodox position, with his secretary sitting in his lap. Without hesitation, he starts dictating: '. . . and in conclusion, gentlemen, credit crunch or no credit crunch, I cannot continue to operate this office with just one chair

*What's the difference between an investment banker and a pigeon? The pigeon is still capable of leaving a deposit on a new Ferrari.

*A lobbyist on his way home from Parliament is stuck in traffic. Noticing a police officer, he winds down his window and asks: 'What's the hold-up?' The policeman replies: 'The Prime Minister is so depressed he's stopped his motorcade and is threatening to douse himself with petrol and set himself on fire. 'He says no one believes he can get us through the credit crunch. So we're taking up a collection for him.' The lobbyist asks: 'How much have you got so far?' The officer replies: 'About 40 gallons, but a lot of people are still siphoning.'

*The credit crunch has helped me get back on my feet. The car's been repossessed.

*Latest news: The Isle of Dogs bank has collapsed. They've called in the retrievers.

*What do you say to a hedge fund manager who can't sell anything? A Quarter-pounder with fries, please.

*Bradford & Bingley employees are concerned they were given no notice of the takeover by Santander Bank. A Government spokesman said: 'No one expected the Spanish acquisition.'

You know it's a credit crunch when...

...The cashpoint (ATM) asks if you can spare any change.

...There's a 'buy one, get one free' offer - on banks.

...The Inland Revenue is offering a 25 per cent discount for cash-payers.

...Gordon Brown has stopped chewing his nails and started sucking his thumb.

...Your builder (construction company) asks to be paid in Zimbabwean dollars rather than sterling.

...Highgrove has been repossessed.

...Victoria Beckham is pictured shopping in Primark.

...Alistair Darling's eyebrows have turned white.

*Gordon Brown, Alistair Darling and Peter Mandelson are flying to a world economic summit. Peter looks at Alistair and chuckles: 'You know,I could throw a £50 note out of the window right now and make one person very happy.' Alistair shrugs his shoulders and says: 'Well, I could throw five £10 notes out of the window and make five people very happy.' Gordon says: 'Of course, but I could throw ten £5 notes out of the window and make ten people very happy.' The pilot rolls his eyes, looks at all of them, and says: 'I could throw all of you out of the window and make the whole country happy.'

Tuesday, 3 March 2009

Chewing gum: new health threat

Thanks to The Assertive Cancer Patient for drawing my attention to this alarming notice:

Saturday, 28 February 2009

Challenging new job for Edward Scissorhands despite recession

I'm delighted to announce that, according to my spies on the street, Edward Scissorhands has found a wow of a new job to counteract falling interest in his movie.

Scientists wanting to track the movements of crocodiles in Florida and discourage the cuddly lambs from munching human yum-yums have come up with a fab idea ... place magnets on their noses to confuse them and persuade them to return to the wild.

According to this Reuters article, "Crocodiles are notoriously territorial and when biologists move them from urban areas to new homes in the wild, they often go right back to the place where they were captured, traveling up to 10 miles a week to get there. Scientists believe they rely in part on the Earth's magnetic fields to navigate, and that taping magnets to both sides of their heads disorients them."

The Reuters report sadly doesn't elaborate on who gets to tape the magnets to the crocs' faces, but we have it on good authority that our Ed is rushing down to Florida as we speak to, er, give them a hand.

And it's possible that we can look forward to some very short-nosed crocs down there in the near future.

As always, grateful thanks for whoever that illustration belongs to and although I don't do money (don't make any out of this blog) I will gladly give you a proper credit.

Wednesday, 25 February 2009

"I feel violated" - woman outraged by papparazzi pix of her nostrils

In a shock sequel to this story in today's UK Guardian, senior citizen Miss Mavis Trunch has proclaimed her outraged dismay to the Press Complaints Commission about pictures taken recently from a camera hidden, she alleges, in the salad cream dispenser at the snack bar at her local hospital and then disgracefully sold to the red-top tabloid media.

"Never mind these silly, precious young bitches whining about cameras poking up their skirts," rants Miss Trunch, "I utterly resent camera lenses displaying whatever I might have up my nose at any one time. Especially when its contents are being so tastefully dealt with by my awfully nice ENT surgeon who is the most charming nose-picker of all time."

Tuesday, 17 February 2009

Submarine captains: should they re-take their driving tests?

Considering that the Atlantic Ocean measures well in excess of 40 million square miles, I can't help but marvel at the way two submarines belonging to (we assume) friendly nations managed to whack into each other earlier this month.

I've heard of "not letting the left hand know what the right hand is doing," but when both hands contain nuclear equipment, that's when I get twitchy.

BBC defence correspondent Caroline Wyatt said the incident was "incredibly embarrassing" for the Ministry of Defence (MoD)... this is clearly a one-in-a-million chance when you think about how big the Atlantic is." No kidding?

The BBC News website continues ... "The submarines are equipped with sonar to detect other vessels nearby but our correspondent said it might be the case that the anti-sonar devices, meant to hide the submarines from enemies, were 'too effective'."

Too effective? Oh, please.

Don't know about you, but IMHO sub captains need to get their heads out from up their asses and their anti-sonar devices, and re-learn the basics of steering.

And people still bitch about women drivers?

Saturday, 14 February 2009

American woman picks nose for first time in 30 years

Contrary to various media reports over the last couple of days I'm reliably informed that this lady - far from grieving for her 36-inch fingernails crushed in a recent road accident - is in fact jubilant.

"You'll notice that in most pictures of me I have my mouth open," the attractive grandmother allegedly says. "That's because I haven't had a decent nose pick in more than three decades and I couldn't breathe through it."

"Since all my nails broke off in that fortuitous car wreck however," I'm told she rejoices, "I've been having a good old dig around most nights and the pile of debris is already a couple of feet high. I've even cancelled an upcoming nose job with my plastic surgeon as my nostrils are now half the size they were."

Every cloud has a silver lining.

(With thanks to the copyright owner for the loan of the photograph. As always if it's yours let me know and I'll give you a full-blasted credit.)